emmalaiho.net/blog

on my street

Yesterday we had a really good lecture, or more like a discussion, on creativity and intuition. What they are, what they mean to us, how to use them better. I tend to go through life trusting my intuition, my gut feeling. Yet pure intuition is supposed to be almost feeling-free. Moments of clarity. The “I had to” in Silvia’s post. And when I think of those times when I had to, there is not much fear, just calm.

We also discussed ten years silence, the most relieving thing I’ve heard in a while. It takes time. It is supposed to take time.

Have a good weekend!

Soundtrack: Ingrid Michaelson – Keep Breathing

School started with the bi-annual portfolio presentation (where all the teachers and classmates are present and you get to show whatever you’ve been up to in the last six months). Don’t know about the other students but those critiques always leave me in pieces, everyone else’s work seems so much… more. And being an illustrator just never is that punk rock. (Me and my ever-present want to be cool… )

I’ve been veering off the thought of illustration as a career for some time, thinking that design is the way to go, but it keeps pulling me in. Now I’ve decided to make peace with it. Working with illustration makes me a better designer, learning about design makes me a better illustrator. I also start to like more the label “artist” because of the fluidity of movement between different media. More and more I start to dislike the idea of “a career”.

Careers don’t allow us to be fully ourselves; careers take as an index of success money and status rather than pleasure in work and creativity. ‘Vocation’, on the other hand, means ‘calling’, and it is a task that earns you a living and which you enjoy doing. … We have a duty to look into our hearts and discover our vocation, our gift. Once we have done this, we will find that other parts of life follow quite naturally.

- Tom Hodkinson: How to be Free

When I think of it like that, it all seems pretty clear.

(Oh yeah, and I turned 27.)

P.S. Still lots to do with this renewed blog, but at least there’s a working feed now. Sorry about the old comments, they are gone.

Just a quick post today, because I need to work on some exhibition pieces. (No, not a solo show yet, something smaller, but exciting still.) Other happy things: a new espresso mocca-pot and the most perfect teacups. Now I want to have someone over for an espresso (I have the most beautiful espresso cups too, ones I haven’t used in ages, because -no coffee pot), will you come? I have chocolate too.

Courage and fear – I am still thinking about those. I have this mindgame that I play all the time “what would I do if I had no fear”. And then I try to do it.

on repeat: fink – this is the thing

And the things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And the things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

came home from Berlin to this package from Sia.

Today I like being just where I am. Today is about rainy day things: work, emails, tea, crafting. Listening to slow things like maps and diagrams. I want to have time to decorate, a workspace with an inspiration wire, now that I have room. (I can hang out all my treasures and postcards!) I want to bake cupcakes. I want candles. See, the little things are starting to feel good again, slowly.

Sia and I were talking about that laser quote (pale … glow) again. I think you need reminders like that around. I am sick of being so afraid of everything. I am sick of constantly worrying about what other people might think of me and the things that I do. I am sick of my blog-writing being so constrained, not to appear too boring or flakey… to appear cool (what an absurd thing to want to be at 26, surely I am over that). Perhaps I am shedding skin.

this I jotted down at the jewish museum:
If we don’t use our physical and mental capabilities, we lose them. I notice in conversations that I have to look for words that I often used in the past but can’t remember now because I no longer use them…
-from Jean Heinemann’s notebook

I feel like this a lot. In totally different context, of course. Growing up seems to be about missing some parts of yourself… has something better taken place?

——-
Over the weekend I worked on this:

These are (were) my favourite shoes of all time, but so “well worn” they were starting to hurt my feet. I thought they deserved a proper funeral… It was so much fun to craft! I need to do more this type of projects. Some t-shirts, maybe.

Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one’s courage
-Anais Nin

The above sentence is written on a postcard that came with Living Out Loud. Last week I taped it above my desk, to serve as a reminder, motto, intention, whatever you want to call it. Since then I have built my portfolio, applied to one magazine illustration job (they liked my work and will contact me about the next number) and started blogging again. After feeling stuck for a long time, something is shifting.

I am starting to believe in what seems to be written in every success/creativity book. You need to state your intention. And not in a vague kind of way. I want to make it as an illustrator some day, won’t cut it. I am a successfull illustrator, is more like it. Whatever you want, write it down. Post it in the place you see it. Think it, breathe it, live it. It will happen.

My intention – to live on my illustration alone.

Right now I am employed otherwise. And little by little my work has become (to paraphrase Tuukka) a life-sucking experience. But to make the leap to full-time freelancing? Scary as hell. Yet I think about it everyday, so I know, something’s got to change.

I also have the hardest time promoting myself. In my mind every magazine AD becomes a scary monster. Do I want to email a scary monster? No! But now I push myself. I stare at the postcard and think: I want my life to expand.