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It’s got to be harder, before it gets easier.

It feels weird sharing this with the internet, but it’s hard to write about anything without addressing this somehow; it’s time to write a few words about the break-up, finally.

We had a wonderful year together and someone will be very lucky to marry this man, but it’s not going to be me. In retrospect, we rushed into commitment, moved in together too fast, but really, I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

Every other moment I doubt myself, fear this is the biggest mistake of my life. Deep down I know it’s the right thing to do. We love each other, that much is clear, but there is some connection missing. The soulmate thing, whatever that is. The talking to three a.m. -thing.

It’s been a month and some weeks apart now. We’ve talked and talked and thought this through. It’s been difficult. Just how difficult, has only really hit me this week, the first time since the break-up that we spent a whole day without talking on the phone or emailing.

There are some good days, when world seems really big and promising. The sunny Jill Scott -listening days, when everything is possible. And then there are bad days (and bad weeks) and no one there, just to sit with me. Life seems pretty bleak right now. Big and scary to face alone.

Now there are just these crying phone calls. Making it all more final.

I know, in time, I will be okay. But in the mean time, friends, please call me some time and ask me out to play (or just sit in silence). I am so bad at asking for anything but I really really need you now.

(I have never been this alone.)

thank you and sorry.