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not enough sleep (can’t). life feels small (trapped). i need more walks and cups of tea (a friend). and to eat more fruit. and laugh.

Today’s mail brought this birthday card and some lovely collagé goodies from Joleen. Thank you sweetie, I can’t wait to use them. And thank you all for your kind words..

Recently I’ve been inspired by Penelope’s posts about balancing work and taking care of herself better. Especially the one about meditation. I have my version in ballet practice. Every week, three to five times, I go through the same series of movements in the same order. Plies, tendus, jetes, ronds… In four years the easiest movements have become the most difficult. Getting better is about learning how little I really know. There are good dance days and bad. Days of good balance and perfect pirouettes, and days when you can’t even stand right. But it’s always good to be there, be present, and try. And then start again on another day.

What do you do on a day like this, when everything broken is barely held together by sellotape?

You steal your flatmates dog on the sofa to hug. Have walnut bread with marmalade, coffee and a thousanth time of amélie for breakfast.

Yesterday is a blurry nightmare. My mind on this weird survival mode making me forget things like my cash card number, and what was the film I picked up from the video store ten minutes earlier. Seeing Brokeback mountain with Kaisa, then trying to gain our composure before going to a birthday party I was not supposed to go to. (It’s better to be around your friends.)

All the snippets of last nights conversations looping in my head.

“Every little thing someone learns about me is away from me,” he says.
“And how is that working for you?” I ask.
“It’s not.”
“Change.”

Now I want to take most of it back. All I really needed yesterday was someone holding me and not letting go. And a good cry. I am so sorry.

Before this I wrote a long piece then saved it and put it away.

How can I tell this but tell this?

Yesterday Onni, our family dog, died. He had a kidney failure. It was really quick and he didn’t have to suffer. I am glad it was like this and not after a long illness. You don’t want something like that to someone you love. He was fourteen and old and tired; his fur all greyed out. He used to sleep in the crook of my feet, hog all the blanket and snore. He was grumpy and difficult. He bit most my boyfriends. To the last of his days he liked to gnaw on socks and drive me crazy by chewing the ends of usb wires. He also liked cucumber.

I will miss you baby. But I guess I am relieved.

I never thought I’d do this again.

During the years I have applied to six different schools, to nine different programs, made seven sets of preliminary assignments, sat in five entrance exams, got shortlisted two times and accepted into three schools.

Oh what fun, applying again.

It’s strange, I feel much more confident about my work and yet more vulnerable at the same time. I don’t so much believe in talent anymore, but aptitude and hard work and TIME. Which you are willing to put in if you really love what you do. Little by little you will find your own voice.
Maybe I am ready…

Tired so tired. And cold.

Home. A quick collage to kill a grumpy mood. Materials “freed” from the basement of the architecture department. Our new class is so empty and clean I almost miss the chaos we had in the basement last year. The 2nd year students now, they don’t know how to make a real mess.

Somehow, without me noticing, my classmates have morphed into architects with serious jobs, their freetime spent doing competitions. I have less and less to talk about with anyone. I read the wrong magazines. I go home to typography books.

And oh, what home! Of chaos and colour, pink silk curtains, paintbrushes on kitchen table, large unfinished painting leaning beside it. “Are we really this bohemian or do we just seem like it,” my flatmate asks. We are, I answer.

To forgive people who’ve walked over you, and not just forgive, but wish them well.

Something to work on.

A sudden balance. Calm. Security and confidence in what I want to do. Learning to shrug off things, words meant to skald; Yesterday I just stood up and left.

learn to smile. blush occasionally. sleep more. dance classes in mornings. draw bears and birds on lectures. eat chocolate with hint of orange. and tea, so much tea! (warm people make you feel warm.)

P.S. Animals of Africa

I don’t know who started and what. (And when?) Apparently it was cute and entertaining. Anyway, it’s nice to see someone’s face light up when they see you. And the brush of stubble on my cheek was an accident, of course. (Why am I still blushing?)

I think everything is so different these days.
We will go out more.

One day there seems to be nothing to stay for, on another there is everything. A whole life of plans. For a week at least; all these fun things to do and parties to go. And art courses and a photography course. Life is - different.

A song that is like the first terror of falling in love.

Oh and K and I might be getting a dog. For a month at first.

P.S. Frou frou makes you happy.
Ashley takes photographs.