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all these clever people who talk about things that don’t matter but make them funny, it keeps you entertained. and all these people to drink coffee with and let the time pass. and people you love but who never make you fall out of step, lose your balance.

but you fall asleep and forget. what is it like to want to tell every little story to someone? what is it like to yell on top of each other because… it actually matters? what is it like to listen. to really want to listen?

some days everyone i love is so far away.

i go to different places and find the same pictures on my camera. it’s funny, or scary, and finally i realise something about photography. last year we had this painting assignment in school, paint your mindview, which i never got done because i had no idea where to start. and now… i know.

what does your world look like?

days of the week lose their personality, become individuals, you never know what you get. the big yellow leaves, sunshine gets colder, i match my mittens with my shoes (pink). packages are sent and received, little things to sparkle days up, i need that. I am only getting to know this place, my part of the city, this home. maybe that is why everything feels a bit more, a bit striking, heavy. how to capture that? how to build everything from these little pieces in a way that is not escaping, but being happy, safe, real? and deal with the fear of falling. i try kaisa’s recipe: “i am always happy in the library.”

get angry, yell, shake things up.
shout. show some emotion.
anything.
but blank grey serious eyes.

and my new computer.