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I saw a man eating paper on a bus stop. He had a big plastic bag where he pulled out strips of fluffy material and stuffed them in his mouth. I saw two swans fiercely guarding their five soft grey newborns. I saw everywhere young men walking dogs and wondered what that is about. I saw a couple waiting for the rain to end under a tree, passing the time by kissing.

Something felt irreversibly broken so I went out. Only it didn’t help. I curled on the sofa corner and watched a silly movie tears in my eyes. The night before I woke up to fireworks and only thought how much money they cost and that I wanted them to stop so I could sleep.

My umbrella is home and everything seems missing.

Yesterday was about falling into my personal black hole. The Great Plan that has had me floating high above ground lately was crumbled after anxious leafing through the course menu. No matter how much work I do, I can’t get all the courses for my bachelor’s degree completed in a year, since some of the courses are only offered every other year, which is not this year… and so.

Now I feel like I had my escape route mapped, but lost it, and it was the only way out. Which is ridiculous when you think about it, since I have little clue of what I want to do and where to study. In part I felt that if I left in a year it was more excusable to settle for something silly. If it takes more time I have to aim higher. Much higher. Which is really not in the spirit of escaping.

I am the kind of person who doesn’t know how to let life take it’s course. I always need a plan.

by Emerald_.

by Emerald_.

by Emerald_.

Smalltowns, half sleeping, where every activity is your own creation. Garden parties, long walks, picnics by the river. Everything within reach by yellow bike.
Someplace, by the sea. Home in a suitcase.